A close friend of mine is 8 months pregnant. In her pre-pregnant life, she was and is an ambitious, witty professional. She is not in the world of health care. And she is scared ****less about what comes after the pregnancy. Just like I am nervous about my 15 month old daughter's impending adolescence.
My friend wanted to know what motherhood was like. I could not give her just one answer. I could only tell her about my greatest challenge. The work and home life balancing act.
When I was pregnant, I pressed my supervisors to grant me the extended extended 6 month maternity leave. You know the kind that is only available in Australia. I felt so lucky when they said yes! The first 5 months of my daughter's life I knew she benefited greatly from my being at home. After all the griping I did about the difficulty of breastfeeding, I stuck with it, she and I were bonded and she was thankfully happy and healthy. But really, it took me awhile to realize that it was me who needed to be home with her.
I needed to be the one person who knew her the best. She may have needed me for sustenance, but I needed her for so much more. Early in the morning my husband would bring her into our room, and despite my chronic exhaustion, when she looked at me with a smile of recognition and sounds gushing from her mouth, I became silly putty. Even now. No matter how tired I was, I was as in love.
Time just flew by. She was one month old and then five months old. With all the sleepless nights, I am at a loss for which month she developed which skill. And I'm supposed to be a pediatrician.
But, the 5th month something changed in me. I don't know when it hit me exactly. I think it was gradual, but it hit me hard. I needed, I had to go back to work. The incessant routine, which I loved: nursing, burping, changing, napping, playing and then starting over was great, but I needed more.
Before my daughter was born I decided that I would be back at work at 6 months. So I was only a month away. I was excited to get back to work, be a part of an adult world and return to my professional persona. However, I knew that I had learned so much while staying home and I now loved now so much more. Thinking all of this made feel guilty.
How could I be excited about going back to work. What about my daughter's well being? But what about my needs? This was my ongoing mental ping pong.
The first day came. With all of the physical preparation of training the babysitter I did not feel any less stressed out. Add to that, my daughter did not sleep at all the night before my first day back at work. It didn't matter though, I was up until midnight also, wondering if after 6 months of maternity leave I would remember how to practice medicine. Morning came, and leaving was not easy. I can usually separate emotions enough to keep going, a trait most doctors learn in medical school. But today, this time, I could not. I called and checked on her every hour. Asked about every feeding, nap, pee and poo. I was even thinking of her between diagnosing a child with appendicitis and telling a mother her child had asthma.
My daughter is now 15 months old. She still misses and wants to be with mostly just me. But life for me is the art of balance, and I am hoping the balance of mommy at work a few days and mommy at home a few days is healthy for both of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment